The Nanny’s Chore

~ Claude Limehouse ~ Leave a comment

What is racing through your mind,
When you’re acting so unkind;
As you do just what you choose to do.

Treating her with disrespect,
A better person I’d expect;
You’re acting like you haven’t got a clue.

She just spent her only days,
Sharing all her loving ways;
Treating you to many special things.

But in a minute you forget,
And misbehave or get upset;
Even though you’re treated like a king.

Some will say this is the way,
I don’t buy it so I say;
There’s issues here that we can not ignore.

We all know it’s Mommy’s fault,
An open wound that’s rubbed with salt;
She banged ‘em out yet leaves you at the door.

People say, “Oh, but she tries.”
I see things through different eyes;
She dumped her load on family and friends.

She doesn’t care if you are well,
Your life must be a living hell;
She plays the Mommy but it’s all pretend.

There really ought to be a test,
When Mommy’s say they do their best;
Because the “baby-daddy” ain’t around.

They certainly should see the light,
The kids should be their only fight;
They simply need to put the bottle down.

I really, truly have to say,
Despite your age, there is no way;
To let you treat my wife the way you do.

For years I’ve tried to figure out,
What’s bothersome about this route,
But now I see that it’s not me, it’s you.

I’m not talking personally,
Your innocence is plain to see;
You’re playing with the only cards you’ve got.

The baby dad has left his wife,
It has an impact on your life,
It also impacts all of us, a lot.

We are here to procreate,
Our simple life we replicate;
Supposedly Jehovah tells us so.

But here is something he should say,
It’s more than just conception day;
You need to guide them and to watch them grow.

Here’s my fear and it is real,
That in the future you will deal;
A matching set of cards they gave to you.

Then that person does the same,
They too play this harmful game;
And on it goes, the cycle goes askew.

Now we’re right back at the start,
You’re tugging at my loved one’s heart;
I can’t stand by and watch you hurt her though.

So it’s time to walk away,
But she won’t and I must say;
This is the reason that I love her so.

Prophet Considerations

~ Claude Limehouse ~ Leave a comment

Back when Jesus walked the earth, would people say, “God Bless You!” when he sneezed?

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Do you think Jesus farted? I think in light of middle eastern cuisine, I believe he was a gassy guy. Plus he wore that robe, which meant they hung around a bit unless he shook them out.

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You don’t hear much about Jesus as a teenager. Was he the typical kid growing up? Hanging with his friends, you’d hear,

“Yo Jesus! Turn that water into wine again. Let’s party!”

Would he do it? Was he a party guy. He is from an area known for its opium and heroin. I bet he smoked weed. He’d be partying with his friends,

“Hey! Cmon man… pass it will ya? Why have you forsaken me?”

“Alright… keep your sandals on…. Jesus Christ!”

“Yes?”

“What?”

“You called me. You said Jesus Christ.”

“Actually I was swearing. It sucks your Mom named you after a swear.”

“My Dad said she was yelling my name in the stable while she was giving birth. It was a tough time. Ya know, her being a virgin and all.”

“Yeah. Everyone was talking about the “virgin” thing. Even your Dad must have wondered a bit.”

“Which Dad?”

“Oh right. There’s your current Dad Joseph. Then there’s your first Dad, God, who’s right hand you keep sitting on.”

“AT…. I sat AT his right hand, not “on” it. “

“Ok but let’s face it. We don’t know where you are from or who your parents are.”

“My parents are Joseph and Mary Christ.”

“But she was a virgin and he’s not God so how can they be your Mom and Dad.”

“ Er…. Umm…. It’s a miracle? Whatever, just pass the weed and frankincense.”

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Did Jesus have a middle name? We know the initial was “H” because I’d hear that often growing up. “

“JESUS H. CHRIST!!! Michael! What did you do?

Is that true? If so, what’s it stand for? Howard?

Horace? Herb?

Why would he need a middle name or initial anyway? Were there a bunch of other Jesus Christ’s around that they needed to distinguish him?

But I also heard, “JESUS CHRIST ALMIGHTY!” while growing up so I assumed he was a hyphen or a double last name. Ya know like Queen Davis-Parks or Michael Clarke Duncan. I figured Mary was Mary Christ and His Dad, or other Dad, was Joseph Almighty.

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What if the Last Supper was Chinese food take-out? What then? Same result? I doubt it.

Drinks

~ Claude Limehouse ~ Leave a comment

My wife pointed out something to me recently and now I can’t un-see it. People in the Hamptons, mostly visitors but many locals too, have this fascination of always having to have a beverage of some sort in their hand as they walk around outside. It’s true… it happens here. Does it happen everywhere?There are very few people walking about without one arm bent at the elbow, forearm forward and their hand – in the horizontal C -holding a cup of something hot or cold.

It used to be that if you had a beverage you couldn’t enter a shop but now it’s not given a second thought. (It happens with dog owners too but that’s a different story) So in they walk, with their drink leading the way, about to look through $500 Ulla Johnson clothing. They handle the clothes with one hand, sipping their coffee or smoothie with the other while their kids run around the store like it’s Chucky Cheese. It must be the Nanny’s day off.

We can’t blame them really. Most were brought up with a silver spoon in their mouth prior to their first beverage PLUS they really aren’t used to actually looking after their own kids. Poor things.

I understand the importance of staying hydrated but this is different. Even the kids do it. When I was a child, you played all day outside with nothing besides someone’s hose. I can still feel the cold water running down my hand as I held the hose straight up so it would form a fountain of water. I survived somehow.

They will, however, ask for a paper straw because the others are bad for the environment. They then take the paper straw, push it through the plastic lid, into the man-made ice held by a plastic cup and feel good that they are doing the right thing for the eco-system.

But this increased hydration has led to the obvious side effect…. increased elimination. First, the elimination of the drink container by-product then the elimination of the drink by-product. So the waste baskets and cesspools are full but thank god for the paper straw used for the somehow ever present drink.

#Thoughts