Tag: #grownups

The Dentist

~ Claude Limehouse ~ Leave a comment

Dentists have been the subject of comedic routines and bits since they first uttered the words, “You need to floss more.”

Which, by the way, is the only requirement for passing dental school. As long as you can say, “You need to floss more.” AND shake your head disapprovingly, you graduate.

Clearly they don’t need to know anything about painless dentistry or giving needles and avoiding that really tender spot under your tongue that shoots a pain through your eyeball into your brain. They just preface all that with, “You’re gonna feel a pinch.” Yeah… no shit.

So the Dentist isn’t exactly our favorite experience yet we continue to joke about going there.

But the laughter always seems to be a little different for those jokes when comedians tell them. Did you ever notice that?

It’s more of a nervous laugh. People chuckle but are thinking, “Oh shit, I’m late for my six month visit. I gotta floss!”

I believe that being at the Dentist is the one time in life where you should be allowed – by law – to hold the Dentist by the testicles ( if appropriate ) while they are working on you.

Why? Because they are liars! How often have you heard, besides the line about feeling a pinch, “You’re gonna feel some pressure.”

If you have a good grip on his balls, you can say, “Ok, well so are you.” Same result? I doubt it.

I believe the difference between pressure, pinch and pain will suddenly become very clear.

I haven’t figured out how to handle the woman Dentist yet. Any ideas?

I’m Not Easy

~ Claude Limehouse ~ Leave a comment

At times I wander aimlessly,
At times I have a goal;
Sometimes I’m sinking helplessly into an endless hole.

I’ve very little confidence,
I’ve made some bad mistakes;
I don’t rely upon myself,
I don’t have what it takes.

Just when I feel it’s certain that there is no end in sight;
I think about my family and suddenly there’s light.

A light that shows me quickly it’s the reason I am here;
A light that lets me recognize the ones I hold so dear.

My wife has been my backbone ‘cause I have none of my own;
My boys have shown the strength it takes to set the proper tone.

My boys and wife have given me the loving I have sought;
And trust me, it is way more love then I had ever thought.

All I can say is, “Thank You,”
For always being there;
I need to say “I love you” too for showing that you care.

I know that I’m not easy,
I know I’m quite contrite;
But thanks again for loving me and showing me the light.

The light that led to happiness,
The light that makes me proud;
To be a thankful member of this faithful loving crowd.

Peace

~ Claude Limehouse ~ Leave a comment

“ Peace through non violence is neither absurd nor unattainable. All other methods have failed. Thus we must begin anew. Non violence is a good starting point. Those of us who believe in this method can be voices of reason, sanity and understanding amid the voices of violence, hatred and emotion. We can very well set a mood of peace out of which a system of peace can be built.” Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

“The survival of democracy depends on the renunciation of violence and the development of non violent means to combat evil and advance the good.” A.J. Muste

“I believe that it is impossible to end hatred with hatred.”
-Mahatma Gandhi

“Stability and peace in our land will not come from the barrel of a gun, because peace without justice is an impossibility.”
-Desmond Tutu

“There is no way to peace. Peace is the way.”
-A.J. Muste

“I am not an American who believes that it is unpatriotic to blindly follow our Congress and President.

I am an American who believes in questioning our leaders, particularly when lives are at stake.

To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile but is morally treasonable to the American public.”

-Teddy Roosevelt 1918

The Nanny’s Chore

~ Claude Limehouse ~ Leave a comment

What is racing through your mind,
When you’re acting so unkind;
As you do just what you choose to do.

Treating her with disrespect,
A better person I’d expect;
You’re acting like you haven’t got a clue.

She just spent her only days,
Sharing all her loving ways;
Treating you to many special things.

But in a minute you forget,
And misbehave or get upset;
Even though you’re treated like a king.

Some will say this is the way,
I don’t buy it so I say;
There’s issues here that we can not ignore.

We all know it’s Mommy’s fault,
An open wound that’s rubbed with salt;
She banged ‘em out yet leaves you at the door.

People say, “Oh, but she tries.”
I see things through different eyes;
She dumped her load on family and friends.

She doesn’t care if you are well,
Your life must be a living hell;
She plays the Mommy but it’s all pretend.

There really ought to be a test,
When Mommy’s say they do their best;
Because the “baby-daddy” ain’t around.

They certainly should see the light,
The kids should be their only fight;
They simply need to put the bottle down.

I really, truly have to say,
Despite your age, there is no way;
To let you treat my wife the way you do.

For years I’ve tried to figure out,
What’s bothersome about this route,
But now I see that it’s not me, it’s you.

I’m not talking personally,
Your innocence is plain to see;
You’re playing with the only cards you’ve got.

The baby dad has left his wife,
It has an impact on your life,
It also impacts all of us, a lot.

We are here to procreate,
Our simple life we replicate;
Supposedly Jehovah tells us so.

But here is something he should say,
It’s more than just conception day;
You need to guide them and to watch them grow.

Here’s my fear and it is real,
That in the future you will deal;
A matching set of cards they gave to you.

Then that person does the same,
They too play this harmful game;
And on it goes, the cycle goes askew.

Now we’re right back at the start,
You’re tugging at my loved one’s heart;
I can’t stand by and watch you hurt her though.

So it’s time to walk away,
But she won’t and I must say;
This is the reason that I love her so.